Am I the only grown adult who still acknowledges my Half-Birthday? I'm 27 1/2 today. 6 months from 28. w00t. I think once I hit 28, I'll have to officially claim my age range as "late twenties". As it stands, I still consider myself early-mid twenties. :x



I've owed dzuunmod interview answers for over a month now, and taterbug160 since last week.

( Interviews )

This is an excerpt from an e-mail I received today from a friend. I'm leaving out LJ usernames for now, until/unless the person(s) this is referencing want to own up to it. ;p

It is an interesting contradiction to me that [mutual friend] says you are reserved or uncomfortable 1-on-1 but that you frontline for a band and expose yourself very personally online. Nothing wrong with that, I just think my online and my in-person are probably closer together. Huh, well, everybody's different.

I was going to respond by e-mail, but this is a topic that has been on my mind, so I'm responding via LJ update instead. (I hope that's okay.)

( Read more... )

I'm hoping that sheds a little light on any perceived contradiction. Like I said, I think that, once I get to know someone and feel comfortable with them, my in-person "persona" is right on par with my on-line "persona".

I have met a handful of you in person, and I would be very interested in (and appreciative of) hearing your thoughts on me online vs. me in person.

No pressure, but those that have met me in person (and/or *knew me in real life before knowing me online*) are: adudeabides, *alyska*, *baumsquad*, brierfibre, endersgame3, felipemcguire, iam_misbehaving, jackstikishak, kitchenwitch, luriddreamscape, *stryckie*, *techdragon*, and touretticmonkey.

Those that I have spoken to on the phone, but haven't met in person (but would love to!) are: catalyticdragon and lotus_n_my_hair, are also encouraged to weigh in. :)

If I have met and/or spoken to you and you aren't on that list, please let me know and accept my apology for missing you on a quick look-through of my friends list.

There are two things in this world that I don't think I'll ever completely understand.


They are:

1. Football

2. Poker



I just. don't. get it.

I recently posted a poll, inquiring first, whether or not people feel it is acceptable for parents to lie to their children, and second, whether or not people feel that telling children Santa exists is lying to them.

I was fairly surprised that the answers to the first question were pretty evenly divided. 14 people voted that it is acceptable for parents to lie to their children, 16 people voted that it is not acceptable. The answers to the second questions weren't quite as close, with 17 people voting that Santa is a lie, and 12 people voting that Santa is not a lie.

I haven't responded to the comments left in the entry, but found them very interesting to read. I appreciate all of the comments left. Not surprisingly, there were a handful of people commenting to justify the lie of Santa. And several comments from parents who discussed the types of lies they feel it is acceptable to tell their children. I very much appreciate the input from people who are parents. I am not yet a parent myself, so surely there are situations that may occur that I cannot predict how I might handle.

Oh. For the record? I do not feel that it is acceptable for parents to lie to their children, and I do think that telling them that a man named Santa brings them presents is a lie.

( Read more... )

Tagged by kitchenwitch.

Once tagged by this entry, the assignment is to write a journal entry with six random facts about yourself. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. This explanation should be included.


I swear you people already know everything there is to know about me, but I'll give it a shot.


1. My right foot is one full shoe-size larger than my left foot. It is all my big toe's fault. The big toe on my right foot is an INCH longer than the big toe on my left foot.

2. On the subject of un-matched body parts, one of my front top teeth (the right one) is shorter than the other, thanks to a bicycle accident when I was 9 years old. A bunch of kids were riding our bikes through the stream of hose spray another kid was spraying into the street. I wasn't looking where I was going, nor was the girl I collided with. I flew off my bike, did a flip over my handlebars, and landed on the street on my face, on which I skidded to a stop. I ended up with road rash on half my face, a hugely swollen chin, and a chipped tooth. The chipped tooth was filed down, which is why it is now shorter. When I was little, I just KNEW I would have the other tooth filed down when I was an adult so that they'd be even, because I was very self-conscious about it. Now that I AM an adult, I've accepted it as part of me, and will not be getting it "fixed".

3. All of my clocks are set differently. My alarm clock is about 35 minutes fast, the clock in my car is about 12 minutes fast, the clock on the microwave is about 5 minutes slow, and so on. I don't think I ever know what time it really is, despite my obsession with always needing to have a clock in view.

4. I love chips and salsa. I eat chips and salsa (the hotter, the better) almost every day. If I could only eat one thing for the rest of my life, it would be chips (preferably organic blue corn chips!) and salsa.

5. I never pay full price for clothing. I shop clearance racks mostly, but any clothing I buy has to at least be on sale in order for me to purchase it. No matter how much I like it, or how hot it makes my ass look, I won't pay full price.

6. Since going vegan, I miss Reese's Peanut Butter Cups even more than I miss cheese. And I miss cheese A LOT. There is NO good vegan "cheese". It doesn't exist. :(


I tag touretticmonkey (that's Ed, by the way!), quixotesco, kittygopounce, purplevenus, dzuunmod, and rainydayangel.

This weekend was weird. I guess they can't all be awesome.

( Cut for unpleasantness... )

On the up side, there was plenty of sunshine this weekend, and I spent lots of time soaking it up. Saturday brought a trip to the Crazy Farm. I brought Ed along, and when Ryan was done with work, he came out with Sally (the cute drummer girl). It was a gorgeous day, and a gorgeous night. The sunset was beautiful, and the starry-sky that followed was perfect as well. It was an extremely relaxing and pleasant day. The only thing that would have made it better would have been me trying to like, talk to some people.

Yesterday, Ryan and I took advantage of the nice weather and got some yard work done. There are still a TON of leaves on our big tree in the back yard, but I raked up those that have fallen so far, and dug up my calla lilies to preserve the bulbs over the winter, and did some weeding and such while Ryan disassembled the make-shift fence and piled up all the rocks from the border, to be re-arranged come spring.

Last night, Ryan and I tightened up the heads on our hand drums, and decided we need a djembe, so he's gonna price them out at work. Yay hippie drums! We drummed a little bit (damn, I'm rusty), and then put on some music and I taught him a couple of basic yoga poses, and we enjoyed stretchy goodness. He said he's be willing to try a yoga class, so I'm going to check into that. I pulled out my yarn and crochet hooks last night and started a scarf to get back into the groove. I want to get better at knitting this winter, too. I'm getting bored with crocheting!

Last night ended with some very nice, very connected, very tender love-making, so all's well that ends well. :)

Through the course of several different discussions with several different people, and what amounts to several hours of personal contemplation, I've realized some things. Some things about myself, some things about my current relationships, and about any potential future relationships. (I use the word "relationship" to encompass anything from a close platonic friendship to a romantic sexual relationship.)

( Read more... )

I just came across an e-mail from my dad from a few months ago, in which he shared some things that I had been unaware of regarding my heritage from his side of my family. My sister had been working on a project for school that required the information, and I had been curious how my Great-Grandfather, who at that time had recently passed, ended up with the last name "American". (Like, were we descendants of the very first Americans, or something, lol?)

For security/privacy purposes, my actual last name will be replaced with J*. Here's what he shared. (This is mostly for my own reference, though some of you may find it interesting, I suppose.)

( Read more... )

When I was a little girl, if I wanted to get to know someone, I simply walked up to them and said "My name is Joella, will you be my friend?" They either said "No", and I walked away and went on with my life, or they said "Yes", and I had an instant friend.

These days, it isn't quite so simple. Why?

Last week, during an argument, one of the off-topic, kinda hurtful things Ryan slung at me was

"Why don't you try getting off the computer and making some real friends."

First of all, I consider several people that I know solely, or mostly, on-line to be "real" friends, which he knows, so that's not the point of this post.

Wether in real-life, or on-line, I'm terrified of initiating friendships. When I'm on AIM, I rarely initiate a chat with someone. I'm thrilled when people send me a message, and happy to chat with the few who do, but there's only one person who I'll message "first", and even with that person, it's fairly rare.

If I'm out at a bar or a party, and I see someone who I'm acquainted with, but don't know well, I won't go up and say "hi". Again, I'll eagerly converse with that person if they approach me, but I won't initiate contact.

As for approaching a stranger, well, forget it. Doesn't happen.

I'm well aware of why this is. I fear rejection. I fear that the person won't want to talk to me. That I'll be bothering or annoying them. That I'll be wasting their time. That they'll secretly be wishing I would just leave them alone.

In addition, I have some nerves and anxiety surrounding certain social situations. Essentially, I am anxious and uncomfortable in situations in which I do not know most of the people present. Walking into a crowded bar/room/etc, especially if I am by myself, fills me with dread. I feel awkward, self-conscious, and just want to run the other direction as fast as I can.

The anxiety is so severe, that often, I end up not attending social events, or going out with friends, unless there is someone I know and trust to physically enter the event with me. This causes some of my friends to think that I don't like them, or want to hang out with them. I don't attend my husband's gigs unless there is someone to accompany me. I sometimes cancel plans at the last minute, because my nerves take over and get the best of me. Often, when one of the above happens, I end up staying home, getting on line, and hoping that someone will talk to me on line. When they don't, it re-inforces my feelings that no one wants to talk to me.

I want to conquer these fears and anxieties. I want to make more local friends, and be a better, more involved friend to the ones I already have. I want to be able to walk into a crowded room, all by myself, with confidence.

I intend to use this entry as a base-line, to help develop and practice some affirmations, and to help me recognize, specifically, what I need to work on, and implement a plan of action.

If anyone has suggestions for over-coming these issues, or can suggest books on the subject, I would be most appreciative.

Q: This is asking for elaboration regarding the children question. In a poly relationship, where do you think that children will fit into this? Do you think that other relationships with people other than your husband will cease once children come into the equation?

A: I don’t see being actively polyamorous and having a family as being in conflict with one another. My child(ren) will “fit into” my life as my top priority, regardless of any romantic relationships, intimate friendships, or platonic friendships I may be involved in at the time. I would not end relationships with people other than my husband any more than I would end friendships with other people, after having a child.

I’m not into casual or anonymous sex, so my child(ren) will not be exposed to a stream of strangers coming in and out of my (and their) life. I believe that it’s valuable for children to have a network of caring, supportive, trusted adults. When I was growing up, I was closer with many of my mom’s good friends than I was with my biological aunts and uncles. I’m still in contact with those people to this day. If my mom had been having a sexual or physical relationship with any of them, I’m sure I wouldn’t have known about it as a child, and I’m relatively sure that it wouldn’t affect the way I feel toward those people now that I’m an adult.

Friendships and relationships will be explained to my child(ren), and their questions answered, in an age appropriate manner. My parents never discussed the specifics of their sex life with me, and I don’t intend to discuss mine with my child(ren). I think it’s positive and healthy for children to see adults expressing affection for each other, and I don’t intend to hide that from them. I plan to teach my child(ren) that physical affection is natural and healthy, and that it’s okay to show affection for people that you care about. I don’t believe that affection such as hugging and kissing needs to limited to one person, even in monogamous relationships (though I respect that some monogamous couples may not allow for hugging and kissing others; that boundary is their choice.).

So, yeah, to wrap that up, I do not see having an open marriage as some sort of “sowing my wild oats”, or as some phase that will end when we decide to have/adopt children.

Q: Who are your "celebrity crushes", if any?! Who would you choose to spend nights with? Currently, and from in the past?

A: Hmmm...I don't really have any celebrity crushes. I have a hard enough time keeping track of my crushes on real people. :x I've recently become more intrigued by Natalie Portman, after seeing her in "V for Vendetta". It's probably my favorite role that she's played. (Though I also quite liked her in "Beautiful Girls".) A couple of days after I saw V for Vendetta, I picked up a magazine in an airport that happened to have an article on Natalie Portman in it. Not only is she incredibly beautiful, physically speaking, but she is well educated, and very down to earth. She has an innocence about her that I find appealing, and seems less "affected" than many holywood celebreties. She's a vegan, and animal rights advocate, which I also find admire.

I'd probably like to spend a night with James Taylor, because it would be awesome to have him sing me to sleep.




Q: What is/are your favourite material possession(s) that you own? Something in your house that you adore, something irreplaceable that you'd be devastated if you lost, etc.?

A: This is a tough question for me. I don't really have any material possessions that are extremely important to me, or that I consider irreplaceable. My first thought was my wedding ring, but that's nothing more than a symbol. A more important symbol of my relationship with my husband is the tattoo we share in common, and that's not exactly a material possession. I might not be able to find the same exact wedding ring, but the specifics of the ring are unimportant, it's what it stands for that matters.

The things I treasure the most are not material things. I treasue my family, friends, and loved ones, my pets, my flowers...so, I guess the material things that are most important to me are mementos of those people. Letters, photographs, that sort of thing.

Q: I can't get over how fantastic your relationship is. Through all of the emotional upheaval I've been through not one relationship I've had has ever come close to matching your level. It's nice to know that it does exist, that kind of intimacy. I've never believed that before. But just reading about your life gives me hope. Maybe not for me but for people in general.

Was it always like that between the two of you? People with such well-matched partnerships often say they "just knew" the other was "the one" right away. Is that true?

A: First of all, thank you. What a beautiful thing to say. It means a lot to me that the beauty and strength of my marriage shines so brightly that others can see it, even over the internet!

Truthfully, I can’t get over how fantastic my relationship is either. Every day, I ponder on the blessing of having Ryan in my life. When he came into my life, I was in a very different place than I am now. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship a few months before, was suffering from severe depression and suicidal urges, and was really a hard person to try and get into a relationship with, because I was so wrapped up in my own misery.

As to whether we "knew" right away, I didn't. He did, though. He used to scare me a little, actually, because he fell so in love with me so quickly. I was living, for the first time in my life, as a single young woman. I was enjoying dating around a bit. I whole-heartedly believed that any relationship with Ryan would be of the short-lived, one night stand variety. I thought he was cute, and funny, and really sweet, but I just wasn‘t looking to get into a relationship.

( This gets lengthy )

Q: You clearly are more concerned with what you think of your choices than what the rest of the world does. This is atypical. How did you become (for want of a better term) ethically autonomous?

A: Wow, really? That’s “atypical”? Interesting. I guess I realize that, in the end, I’m the only person who absolutely has to put up with me for the rest of my life. I’ve got to live with myself for (hopefully) a very long time, so I need to like myself. With the exception of people I love who my choices directly affect, I could care less what people think of my life choices. That’s because I don’t hold myself to anyone else’s moral/ethical code. Likewise, I don’t hold anyone else to MY moral/ethical code. I know what I believe to be right and wrong, and I make a conscious effort to do what I believe is right, even when no one is watching.

Example: (I think everyone who reads this knows that I’m a vegetarian. A real one, not one who is a vegetarian “but eats chicken and fish”-no offense to people who eat chicken and fish, but if you do, you aren’t a vegetarian. /mini-rant) The other day while at work, I had a nearly overwhelming craving for a tuna salad sandwich. It was so strong, and so out of nowhere, it kind of took me by surprise. I could have easily gone to the cafeteria, bought a tuna sandwich, eaten it in private somewhere, and no one else would have ever known. But I couldn’t do that. Because I would know. And I’d be angry at myself, for doing something that goes against my personal morals.

The bottom line is, I prefer to live in a way that leaves me feeling content that I stick by what I believe in, even when what I believe in is unpopular.

Q: What were your teenage years like? full of angst? being a bookworm? doing drugs on the corner? being head cheerleader?

A: Oooohhh…teenaged hippiecritter was..."troubled". As a teenager, I started to realize some things about my father, and about my relationship (or more accurately, lack of relationship) with him. I started seeking attention from guys in hopes of filling the gaping hole that being neglected by my father left in my heart. I developed a reputation for being a "slut" by the age of 14. Not because I was having sex (I was a virgin, and remained a virgin until age 17), but because I always had a boyfriend, and the relationships never lasted very long.

I didn't get along the best with my mother. She was very strict with me. I wasn't allowed to do the things or go the places all my friends were doing/going, so I was always lying about where I was and what I was doing, and I was always getting caught lying. Then I'd get grounded. It was a vicious cycle.

I was involved in choir, show choir, and theatre in high school. Most of my friends were from the music "circle". I was unpopular with pretty much everyone else. I was obnoxious in class. I mouthed off to teachers a lot, and was generally disruptive. I thought home work was stupid, so I either didn't do it, or turned it in late. My grades reflected this. It frustrated both my mom and my teachers. They kept telling me I was smart (I always did well on tests), and had so much "potential" if only I'd do my homework. I didn't think I was smart. If I was smart, my dad would love me *cue violin music*.

I went through periods of severe depression, contemplated suicide at several different points, and generally felt sorry for myself and thought that life sucked. I thought that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve good things in life, like love and happiness. I started smoking pot when I was 14, and started cutting class to smoke pot or drink (with boys) shortly thereafter. It didn't take me long to move on to harder drugs. I liked being high. Stuff didn't hurt as much, and it was easier to laugh, and not be so self conscious and anxious.

After high school, things went from bad to worse, in part because I got into an emotionally (and on several occasions, physically) abusive relationship, which I stayed in for 2 years. Things finally started to turn around for me when, at age 20, I met and started dating (and eventually married) Ryan. He saved my life.

Wow. That was a long answer to a pretty simple question. :x

A moment after posting my last entry, it occured to me that it is rather shallow, and some what rediculous, that something as meaningless in the grand scheme of things as a pretty bathroom can make me so happy.

I got to thinking a little more about it, and I decided that I'm alright with that. Yeah, it's just a place to shit and shower, and it doesn't *need* to be pretty. There are very few instances in which vanity is important to me. I don't spend money on fancy clothes, or make up, or curling irons or hair spray. I don't drive a flashy car or buy lots of high priced electronics. So what if I like my surroundings to be attractive and relaxing? I've worked hard to be financially able to make improvements to my home. I don't buy new things for my home at the expense of food for myself, my husband or my pets, or at the expense of the health and well being of the aformentioned.

So, yeah, maybe it's a silly thing to get so happy or excited about, but I made it happen, and I'm happy with the result, and I'm proud of the whole damn thing.

I guess I'm not perfect. It's a good thing I don't need to be.

Q: What book are you currently reading?

A: Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving-Kindness by Chogyam Trungpa.

"The fifty-nine provocative slogans presented here—each with a commentary by the Tibetan meditation master Chögyam Trungpa—have been used by Tibetan Buddhists for eight centuries to help meditation students remember and focus on important principles and practices of mind training. They emphasize meeting the ordinary situations of life with intelligence and compassion under all circumstances."

Quote Source

I'm not very far into the book yet (there's a fair amount of introduction to the practice; I'm just starting to get into the actual "slogans"), but so far, I think it will be very beneficial to my meditation practice, and to dedicating my life to living compassionately, every day. I don't call myself a Bhuddist (yet!) but it's definitely a path that makes sense to me, and that "fits" with my personal ethics.

Q: Did you garden much as a kid or teenager?

A: No. I didn't really get into gardening until my twenties. I've always had indoor plants, but my passion for gardening outdoors has started to blossom (no pun intended, I swear!) over the past 5 years. Emily, one of my best friends, gets a lot of the credit for introducing me to gardening as a hobby. I got my start by helping her with her garden, and she and I are constantly splitting our plants to share with each other, going shopping for plants together, and working in each others gardens together. It's a big part of our friendship. She's taught me a lot.

Q: Were you and Ryan high school sweethearts?( I am just a nosey ol'queen who loves hearing tales of romances)

A: Awww…sorry to disappoint, but no, we weren't high school sweethearts. Ryan moved to town with his dad and sister in 1995. He went to high school here for part of his senior year (before dropping out--I was later able to encourage him to get his GED in 2002). I was a sophomore when he was a senior, but I went to a different high school. We met in November of 1999 (I was 20, he was 22) over a drug deal (how's that for romance?) and have essentially been "together" since then. We celebrate our anniversary on New Year's Eve-the anniversary of our first "Sleep Over". (We didn't have sex that night, though. He was very much a gentleman.) We moved in together in July of 2000, got engaged around March of 2001, and got married June 7, 2003.

Q: What city is your top choice to visit one day?

A: This is a super-duper cliché answer, but New York City. My mom's been promising me a trip there for over 10 years now, and it sounds like it might pan out this summer. I want to see a musical on Broadway, and Ryan wants to see a Yankees game at Yankee Stadium.

Q: Are you and Ryan planning on having kids someday? I don't know that you've broached the subject, or not recently anyway!

A: Yes, we plan on having a child some day. I can't answer specifically when that will be. We’re in the process of paying off some specific debts, and I’d like to get those paid off, and then work on a substantial savings account before we start trying to conceive. I feel strongly about not returning to work (at least, not full time) after I have a child, so I want to wait until that's a more realistic possibility, financially speaking.

I've maintained, since the start of our relationship, that I think (for me) 30 is a good age to start trying to have a baby, but there's a possibility we could start trying before that. Ryan loves children very much, and is eager to start our family. If I were to tell him tonight that I'm ready to start trying, he'd be all for it. (But I won't, so don’t get any ideas!)

At this point, I only plan on having one biological child. I feel selfish even wanting one of my own, with all the children already in the world in need of good homes and loving families. If we want more kids after our first, we’ll consider foster parenting or adoption.

Q: Have you ever been awkward talking to people you're attracted to?

A: At times, yes. My views of myself have changed in the past year or so, but I used to have a really hard time believing that anyone would be attracted to ME. For the most part, I'm a pretty straight-forward person. If someone has to wonder whether or not I'm attracted to them, then chances are, I'm not. That's not to say that I'm never awkward talking to people I'm attracted to, just that I don't usually beat around the bush with the fact that I'm attracted. I'm more likely to feel awkward if I have uncertainty about whether or not the attraction is mutual.

Q: What changed that?

A: Who said it's changed? :p My self confidence and self esteem have improved, and I've learned to trust people. I'd say that's the biggest change. It makes me more comfortable talking to people in general, whether or not I'm sexually attracted to them.

Q: What events do you believe helped shape your view of the world today?

A: I had a hard time with this question. I honestly can't come up with any specific global events that have had a major impact on my world view. This might seem like a cheesey answer, or a cop-out, but I honestly believe that every single thing, great or small, that I've experienced, has shaped the person I am and the way I look at the world. I see the world as a place with a lot of potential for beauty, hope, and abundant love and peace.

Q: Present: Do you have a monkey?

A: No.

Q: Past: Have you ever had a monkey?

A: No.

Q: Future: Would you like a monkey?

A: Sure, I’d love a monkey! It’s not really feasible to have one in my current home, but I don’t rule it out as a future possibility.

Ask me a question about my present.

(And/Or)

Ask me a question about my past.

(And/Or)

Ask me a question about my future.


No topic is off-limits. Comments will be screened. Questions will be answered (without giving away who asked the question) in (a) future post(s).