Argh. Trying to do this pro se divorce thing gets a little more frustrating and confusing with each step. I was under the impression that the pile of paperwork to be completed needed to be brought to the final hearing. Upon attempting to schedule said hearing, I was informed that it needs to be completed and filed prior to scheduling the hearing. Hopefully by this time next week, I'll have a final hearing scheduled, and the end of all this will be within reach.

In other divorce news, the paperwork regarding the transfer of our property from us to me has now been filed with the register of deeds, which means I am officially, legally, the sole owner of my property. What a wonderful feeling! I've spent the last week cleaning, organizing (read: throwing a bunch of shit out), and re-arranging my house, to support the feeling of the house being my own. The energy in the house has completely changed for the better, and I can't wait until the re-organization/re-arranging is complete.

( Read more... )

Ever since I have started playing guitar, I have been resistant to Ryan teaching me anything on it. I physically tense up and kind of pull into myself when he tries to teach me something or give me pointers.

( Last Night, it all came out... )

After we both felt comfortable that it was all settled, we reflected on the exchange, and complimented each other on specific communication skills. We managed to resolve the whole thing without either of us raising our voices or being intentionally hurtful. Since peaceful conflict resolution is one of our biggest challenges, this made us both feel very proud, of ourselves and of each other.

Now with 90% less emotional aftermath!

Well, in case you've been under a rock and managed to miss it, I traveled to Lawrence, Kansas to spend this past weekend with adudeabides. (This was my second trip to visit him; he has made one trip to visit me.)

For the curious (or nosey), entries related to my previous trip can be found Here, Here, and Here.

This time around, I was much less nervous with all the flight/airport/what if we don't have anything to talk about? omgomgomg stuff. I was very much looking forward to the weekend; he and I have both been so busy over the past few months that we hadn't been keeping in touch as regularly as in the past. I immediately felt at ease when I saw him walking toward me in the airport. He was so overwhelmed by my gloriousness that he missed his exit on the way home. Or maybe it was because he was playing with his phone? Same diff. :p

( Read more... )

Ryan and I were discussing how sometimes, when I'm trying to explain to him how I'm feeling, I don't want him to jump in and try to FIX it. I just want him to be there, to support and comfort me, and not to feel like I'm giving him a problem for which he needs to find a solution. He responded by saying that his natural instinct is to try and help fix things that are wrong. He said:

"For example, if the band is on the road and the van blows a tire, I'm not just going to sit there and watch, I'm going to try and help fix the tire. When YOU 'blow a tire', I want to help you fix it."

Going with his analogy, I responded:

"Sometimes, it feels like you're trying to fix my tire by stabbing at it with a fork."



*lightbulb*


He said:

"See, I didn't even know I was using the wrong tools."


I guess we need to update the toolbox.

The past few weeks has brought both a lot of introspection, as well as a lot of discussion, about my marriage and other relationships. It's starting to fall into place, how an open marriage will work for us, (Ryan and I) as a couple, as well as how it will work for us as individuals. In this post, I'll address some of the conclusions we've come to as a couple, and in another post, I'll address some realizations I've had about myself.

( Read more... )

Fortunately, my personal life is relatively drama-free and stress-free at the moment. :)

I've just had another great weekend. (What is that, four in a row now? New record, I think!)

( Cut for endless rambling... )

Just as my relationship with my husband is getting back to feeling solid and balanced, relationships all around me are in turmoil. Whether it's friends, family, or co-workers, whether it's an affair, one person wanting to explore an open relationship while the other one doesn't, or a year and half worth of frustration over a negative attitude, there is a common thread. Poor (or in some cases, a complete lack of) communication. What floors me is that some of the people in these situations think that they're good at communicating their needs and concerns, when in reality, they are missing one half of the equation.

There is more to communication than just talking, and there is more to communication than just listening. There is a balance to be found, and so many people miss that. They think "I told him what I wanted, I did my part." But....did you listen to what he wanted? Did the two of you work together to try to find a solution in which you both felt comfortable and secure? "All I ever did was listen to her problems, and now I just can't take it anymore." But...did you tell her your problems? Did you help her find solutions to her problems?

The glue that holds successful relationships together is open, honest, complete communication. There is no room for ignoring problems and hoping they'll magically go away on their own. There is no reason not to share wants and desires and hope that a partner will just know them. There is no excuse for assuming that the boundaries of a relationship are agreed upon without discussion, and then getting upset when someone crosses a line that they didn't know existed.

People should talk and listen more. They should ask for clarification if they're unsure of what something said means. They should learn to express themselves in several ways, to make sure that they are being understood. Whether it's a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family bond, people need to work together to see that everyone's needs are being met.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or that I always communicate effectively. It's not about perfection. It's about awareness. It's about doing all that you can to make sure that you are heard and understood, and to make sure that you hear and understand the other person.

I think I need to develop a list of rules for effective, open, honest communication, and send a copy to the whole world.

My upcoming trip to visit adudeabides has sparked many a discussion about polyamory, and boundaries, between my husband and I.

In case anyone hasn't been paying attention, I consider adudeabides to be more than "just a friend". How he considers me may be quite another thing, but uh..um...

So, yeah. I have some romantic feelings toward him. I have some attraction toward him. I have a tendency to fantasize about him while I...uh...well, you get the picture, I'm sure.

Way back when, when the idea of opening our marriage was born, Ryan and I wrote up some very specific rules and boundaries. Now that Ryan knows that I'm not out to boink anyone I can get my hands on, these strict guidelines have been loosened a little bit. The main remaining "rule" is honesty, communication, respect, discussion before any major relationship developments, and, should sex happen, safe sex. (This is not to say that I expect to have sex with adudeabides this weekend. I don't.)

So, there have been lots of discussions regarding the trip, mostly a result of me trying to ascertain that he really is okay with the fact that I'm making the trip in the first place. I was expecting that the closer my departure became, the more nervous and insecure Ryan might become, but it's been just the opposite. He's just becoming more and more comfortable with it, and less and less worried about how he'll react to any sort of romantic things that may (or may not) happen.

As of tonight, he says that as long as I "don't come home knocked up or with herpes", he's cool.

That much freedom makes me a little nervous, but mostly, it makes me realize, once again, what a wonderful, understanding, open-minded, loving, generally totally awesome man I'm married to.

What makes a perfect husband?

When his wife comes home after a stressful day, and says "Damn, I could go for some wine and cheesecake tonight." He puts on his shoes, picks up his keys, heads toward the door and asks "Is it cool if I use the check card?".

After returning with my goodies for the night, he told me all about the gig and his night, last night. He outed our open marriage to his bandmates, last night. I had no idea he was comfortable enough with it to discuss it with them, so it was a bit of a surprise, but a good surprise.

It all started when one of the guys (K) was jokingly talking about bringing some chicks back to the room to party with, and then turned to Ryan and said something like, "But I guess you're out, huh?" Ryan said some thing along lines that it would depend on the girl and how he felt about her and how well he got to know her. K looked surprised and asked "Does Joella know you feel that way?". When Ryan explained that our marriage is a little bit on the "open" side, and that, if I knew about it, and was comfortable with the girl, that yeah, I'd be fine with it, he responded with "So, you guys are swingers?"

Uh, no. So Ryan explained in more detail. (I'll spare you all the details, since you know them already.) So, needless to say, K was a little surprised, and then went on to try to explain to the rest of the band, who also reacted with "So, you're swingers?". *groan*

Apparently, more then one band member then asked if it would be alright for them to date me. While I find that very flattering, (several of them are very nice guys, and good looking, to boot) I'm really not interested in any of them "that way", and as Ryan told them, he wouldn't be comfortable with that. (Which led to another discussion tonight about boundaries and what sorts of people are "off-limits".)

When one of the guys said "What about me?" Ryan was appalled and said "You have a girlfriend, and don't have an open relationship. And besides that, NO."

I told him how proud I was of him, both of being so open and honest about it, and correcting any misunderstandings, and just being comfortable enough to talk about in the first place.

It feels like a big step.