Argh. Trying to do this pro se divorce thing gets a little more frustrating and confusing with each step. I was under the impression that the pile of paperwork to be completed needed to be brought to the final hearing. Upon attempting to schedule said hearing, I was informed that it needs to be completed and filed prior to scheduling the hearing. Hopefully by this time next week, I'll have a final hearing scheduled, and the end of all this will be within reach.

In other divorce news, the paperwork regarding the transfer of our property from us to me has now been filed with the register of deeds, which means I am officially, legally, the sole owner of my property. What a wonderful feeling! I've spent the last week cleaning, organizing (read: throwing a bunch of shit out), and re-arranging my house, to support the feeling of the house being my own. The energy in the house has completely changed for the better, and I can't wait until the re-organization/re-arranging is complete.

( Read more... )

Yesterday was glorious. GLORIOUS!!

I didn't have to work, and the weather was perfect. Emily came over, and we completely re-did the rock border along the garden that spans the length of my backyard to incorporate the big pile of holy boulders that I scavenged last year. If you know me, you know that a day that involves Emily, sunshine, and playing with rocks, is heaven.

I got a nap in during the afternoon, had a sweet rehearsal with my band (we wrote our second original song!), and then went and had a glass of wine at a schwanky martini lounge that a friend's jazz trio was playing at.

Delightful.

( In other news... )

This morning, for the first time in weeks (months?) I woke up, and I did not burst into tears. I also didn't burst into tears in the shower, or on the way to work, and I haven't had to excuse my self to the restroom to go cry.

It's rather lovely!

I'm very much looking forward to my weekend. I have lots of fun with friends and family planned, and tonight, there's a chance* I'll run into a cute boy who finds me interesting (the feeling is mutual).


Is this what moving on feels like?


*Since he told me where he'd be tonight, heh.

Last night during the happy hour in the hotel lounge, a random businessman started talking me up. He approached me by complimenting my tattoos, and the conversation eventually turned to music.

It came out that I sing and play guitar, so he asked if I had a guitar with me. (I did.) He said I should go get it and play a few songs, and my first reaction was "Man, HELL no.". I told him that I brought to play by myself in my room, not in front of other people, lol.

The only times I've "performed" with my guitar have been with my whole band backing me up, but I finally gave in and went and grabbed my guitar, and went on to experience my first-ever impromptu performance. I felt very exposed, just my voice and my guitar, but everyone seemed to think I did a good job. :) I played & sang 4 songs.

The businessman later asked me if I had any weed on me. I said no. I lied. ;x

( emotion )

This is really fuckin' hard, you guys.

*sits staring at update window for far too long*


This weekend, I found myself caught up in a situation that was....less than morally pristine. The instant the implications of the situation dawned on me (which should have been before the situation became a "situation"...hindsight, and all that...), I brought it to a halt. Still, the whole thing has me feeling very conflicted and confused and....just kinda creepy-crawly in my own skin.

*sigh*

I think a big part of my discomfort is that the unethical aspects are not exactly my own, and that doing something to "right the wrong" is beyond my control.


Yuck.

Now with 90% less emotional aftermath!

Well, in case you've been under a rock and managed to miss it, I traveled to Lawrence, Kansas to spend this past weekend with adudeabides. (This was my second trip to visit him; he has made one trip to visit me.)

For the curious (or nosey), entries related to my previous trip can be found Here, Here, and Here.

This time around, I was much less nervous with all the flight/airport/what if we don't have anything to talk about? omgomgomg stuff. I was very much looking forward to the weekend; he and I have both been so busy over the past few months that we hadn't been keeping in touch as regularly as in the past. I immediately felt at ease when I saw him walking toward me in the airport. He was so overwhelmed by my gloriousness that he missed his exit on the way home. Or maybe it was because he was playing with his phone? Same diff. :p

( Read more... )

For the record, This still holds true. :-)

As you may have guessed, I've had a delightful weekend. That compounded with some of the reading and introspecting (word?) that I've been up to lately has me seeing the world in a new and beautiful way. And it's not a rose-colored glasses kind of thing, either, because I still see all the pain and hate and ugliness in the world, but I accept it as part of the beauty. Part of the whole picture. There is balance. Balance is good. Balance is beauty.

( This Quote, )

which I came across in mnarra's journal while perusing my friends list this morning gave me even more food for thought. I think it's a valuable, universal lesson. Your thoughts?


I've been making lots of progress on my endeavors for personal growth, particularly as they relate to social anxieties and discomfort. I was "on my own", socially speaking, for the majority of the weekend, and you know what? I survived. Not only did I survive, but I had a great time, and saw lots of great people who I don't often see. I almost talked my self into staying home Saturday night, but I'm glad I forced myself out of the house, because I would have missed out on an awesome evening.

( Some details on my weekend )

I love everything and everyone right now.

If you are a person or thing that exists in this world right now, at this moment, rest assured that you are loved. Because I love you. And you are amazing. I love everything about you. And I love everything about ME. Aren't we wonderful?

This weekend was weird. I guess they can't all be awesome.

( Cut for unpleasantness... )

On the up side, there was plenty of sunshine this weekend, and I spent lots of time soaking it up. Saturday brought a trip to the Crazy Farm. I brought Ed along, and when Ryan was done with work, he came out with Sally (the cute drummer girl). It was a gorgeous day, and a gorgeous night. The sunset was beautiful, and the starry-sky that followed was perfect as well. It was an extremely relaxing and pleasant day. The only thing that would have made it better would have been me trying to like, talk to some people.

Yesterday, Ryan and I took advantage of the nice weather and got some yard work done. There are still a TON of leaves on our big tree in the back yard, but I raked up those that have fallen so far, and dug up my calla lilies to preserve the bulbs over the winter, and did some weeding and such while Ryan disassembled the make-shift fence and piled up all the rocks from the border, to be re-arranged come spring.

Last night, Ryan and I tightened up the heads on our hand drums, and decided we need a djembe, so he's gonna price them out at work. Yay hippie drums! We drummed a little bit (damn, I'm rusty), and then put on some music and I taught him a couple of basic yoga poses, and we enjoyed stretchy goodness. He said he's be willing to try a yoga class, so I'm going to check into that. I pulled out my yarn and crochet hooks last night and started a scarf to get back into the groove. I want to get better at knitting this winter, too. I'm getting bored with crocheting!

Last night ended with some very nice, very connected, very tender love-making, so all's well that ends well. :)

With tearful eyes and a heavy heart, I've dropped Deo off at his new home. Lots of kids and another dog to play with, a huge yard, and obviously lots of love.

I didn't expect to get attached to him so quickly, I tried really hard not to, but he's just a great dog. They're a lucky family to have him, and our family was blessed to have him in it, even for a short time.

(End is the only part of the word that I heard.)

The other night, Ed called me up and asked if I could come over and talk. There was a sense of urgency in his voice that made it impossible for me to say no. I arrived at his house with no idea what to expect, which made me a little nervous. I'm going to cut to the chase...( Read more... )

On a brighter note, Ed came over last night and we made our first attempt at a Vegan Cheesecake. It was tasty enough, but it definitely was NOT cheesecake-y. We haven't given up, though. We WILL succeed. Ryan and Ed got to meet last night as well, and that makes me happy. I think I may have been a bit guarded last night, but I'm still trying to work through some things in my mind, and was also carrying some stress and a head ache from work. I think we'll be hanging out again this weekend at some point, and I'll have a better handle on my thoughts and feelings by then, I hope.


There will be more on this, I'm sure.

I feel a little sad today.

Not like, throw myself in front of a moving bus sad, just mildly melancholy.

I'm a person of strong faith that every thing happens for a reason. I believe that the presence of every person in my life serves a purpose, and that the Universe surrounds me with lessons and opportunities for growth at every turn on my path. Occasionally, I have to work through a tiny little bit of sorrow before the lessons present themselves with clarity, but that's okay.

*sigh*


Life's a trip, isn't it?

There's been so much stuff in my life lately that I really want to get out, but I'm just not sure how or where to begin.

I've got some major, possibly life-changing, decisions to make, and soon.

I feel, though, like I have to make a choice between continuing to put off realizing my own dreams and desires in life indefinitely, or seriously jeopardizing my marriage by splitting off on a completely different path than my "life partner".

It's kind of hard when the road you and your partner have chosen splits, and one of you wants desperately to go one way, and the other wants desperately to go the other. Either we take the separate paths and hope that they meet up again somewhere down the line, or one of us pushes the other hard enough to forget about their desire for their own path, at least for now.

I've never asked him to give up a dream, or even to put it on hold, but I feel as though I've been asked to put my dreams on hold from the start, and I'm starting to realize that if I don't stand up for myself and really embrace who I want to be in this world, and the difference I want to make in it, I'll lose...well...ME. I just...don't want to lose HIM either.

Ugh. I'm emotional at the moment, so I think it's best I just stop here, and try to recognize the opportunity for growth that I'm sure is in all this somewhere.

It's amazing to me, how quickly a situation can go from good, to not so good, to bad, to worse, to terrible.

I was expecting that when Ryan got home last night, we'd have a nice, romantic little evening together (notes to self that perhaps she needs to stop having any expectations what-so-ever, even when given the impression that the expectation is a reasonable one).

Before he left to meet with the patent agent, he expressed that he'd be coming home and staying home after that, to spend time with me. (He often goes out and plays drums at a local open jam on Tuesday nights.) When he arrived home at about 9:30, I informed him that a friend called to see if he could play drums (last night) at 10:00. I had assumed that he wouldn't even consider playing the gig, with it being so last minute, and with him having said that we'd be spending some time together.

Well, wasn't that stupid of me? He wanted to play the gig. He always wants to play the gig. For him, playing drums always has been, and always will be, preferable to spending time with me. (I'm not being overly dramatic, either, he admits that he likes to take every opportunity presented to him to play the drums, even if it means breaking prior non-drum related plans.)

I try to be supportive of his drumming. When I'm aware of his schedule, and when he's not breaking prior plans with me, I don't grumble about the amount of time he spends on things involving drums. However, in situations like last night, I feel hurt and upset.

( cut for length )

The effort it takes to put on a cheerful front at work, when what I really wanted to do today was stay in bed and cry all day, is exhausting.

It's just one of those days weeks months lifetimes.

Here I sit, likely the happiest I've ever been in my life. While my life seems to keep getting better the more I learn and grow, there are people I care about, people who deserve good things, who are hurting.

I want there to be a way for me to take that pain upon myself, and to give back contentment and inner peace.

At this moment, two people who I care deeply about, are facing very painful and challenging situations. There is either nothing I can do to help them, or nothing they want me to do to help them.

That's a difficult position for me, as helping (or at least, attempting to help) people who are hurting is ingrained in me. However, in the one case, I will respect the person's wish, and simply let it be known that I'm here, and that I love you.

In the other case, (concering someone who won't see this, as she doesn't use computers) I am truly at a loss. One of my best friends has shared things with me, things that have been weighing on her mind and her marriage for years, and on her husband's life for over 20 years. There is a very old wound that needs healing, and that healing is being sought in the bottom of a bottle. I firmly believe that the marriage (or at least the husband half of it) needs outside help. My friend, who is more like a sister than a friend, is unhappy and becoming fed up and frustrated with her husband's problem. Things are starting to spiral out of control, and I don't know what to do to make it better, other than to continue to talk to her about it, to give her my advice (which does no good if the person who it applies to is not willing/ready to take it), and to hold her and stroke her hair while she cries it all out.

Life just never gets any easier. It only gets more complex.

You know, the reason that women are sometimes bitchy and emotional when they have PMS, is that when they have PMS, they have days like THIS:

My day started with a windshield wiper that managed to totally mangle itself on my way to work.

It went on to me being the only trainer in the office for the first few hours, with an overwhelming workload and phones that wouldn't stop ringing.

When I finally had time to take my lunch break, I was starving, and excited to chow down on the leftover Mexican casserole I made last night. (It was yummy.) So I headed to the breakroom, where I had to wait in line for a mircowave, which NEVER happens when you take lunch as late as I did today. When my food was ready, I took the container out of the microwave and started walking over to a table. Somehow, the container slipped out of my hand. Every morsel of my lunch lept from the container on to the floor.

To really twist the knife, some fucking bitch in the breakroom started laughing. I couldn't even muster a glare at her. I just quietly cleaned up the huge mess with tears in my eyes. I had just enough time left to get to the cafetria for some manicotti with runny cheese filling and cold french fries. Yum. They didn't even have any good desserts.

To top it off, my hubby has a gig out of town tonight, so I don't even have someone to hold me and make it better when I get home. Hopefully the critters are in the mood to snuggle.

/whining

Like many, many people, the holidays (well, it might be more accurate to say Winter, but the Holidays just have the misfortune of being smack dab in the middle of Winter) can be a tough time of year for me. It pains me that I'm not able to get out in the garden, dirt under my nails and the sun on my back, sweat dripping off me...might not sound all that attractive, but it's when I'm at my prime.

It's also sometimes hard to reflect back on the year that's passed so quickly. I often reflect more on what I've lost and failed to accomplish than on the ways I've grown and prospered.

I haven't been updating as much lately. The communities I maintain have been horribly neglected. There's so much despair and negativity on my friends list, I find myself skipping over some of it for fear of it being contagious. I certainly don't want to add my own brand of Bah Humbug to the pile.

This year, though, I must say, I'm doing much better (so far) than in years past. I don't break down into tears every day. It's more like every other day, which is only half as much, and therefore a huge improvement. I'm doing better at staying focused on the positive.

I'll make a post to reflect on this year as a whole before it draws to a close, I'm sure, I guess I just want you all to know that you're not alone, that there is hope, and that there is light glimmering at the end of the tunnel, even if you have to squint REALLY hard to see it.

I'm feeling a lot better than I was the other night. Seeing my dad always sends me into a bit of an emotional tailspin, and makes much more sensitive than I normally am. I'm not going to go into details of what I went through emotionally this weekend, because I've gotten through it, and don't want to relive it all by typing it out.

Yesterday was a good day. Ryan, who had listened so attentively as I spilled my guts out all over the place on Saturday night, took good care of me. We spent most of the morning in bed, just talking and snuggling with the dogs. He let me soak his t-shirt with tears for a while before it evolved to silliness. Then he informed me that I needed a Belgian Waffle with strawberries, and that he was taking me out to get one. :)

I have to get through the next three days at work. It will be challenging. It's just, not much fun, what I'm doing right now, and the people that I'm training are extremely negative and resistant to change. I have thanksgiving off, and I'm also taking off Friday and the following Monday. 5 day weekend, here I come. Boy, do I need you.

Thank you, Internet, for being the ONE place that I feel like I'm someone special.

In real life, I'm invisible.




Totally.

Invisible.