I have procrastinated doing a re-cap of 2006 to the point where I think I'm not going to do it. :x

( Read more... )

I think the cool thing about the New Year, is that anyone who wants a fresh start gets one. It's like hitting the re-start button, or something, everyone gets a chance at a new beginning. Being surrounded by the energy of so many people, all relishing in that fresh start and that hope and optimism, is a powerful thing.

Happy 2007, y'all.


Happy Fresh Start.

For the record, This still holds true. :-)

As you may have guessed, I've had a delightful weekend. That compounded with some of the reading and introspecting (word?) that I've been up to lately has me seeing the world in a new and beautiful way. And it's not a rose-colored glasses kind of thing, either, because I still see all the pain and hate and ugliness in the world, but I accept it as part of the beauty. Part of the whole picture. There is balance. Balance is good. Balance is beauty.

( This Quote, )

which I came across in mnarra's journal while perusing my friends list this morning gave me even more food for thought. I think it's a valuable, universal lesson. Your thoughts?


I've been making lots of progress on my endeavors for personal growth, particularly as they relate to social anxieties and discomfort. I was "on my own", socially speaking, for the majority of the weekend, and you know what? I survived. Not only did I survive, but I had a great time, and saw lots of great people who I don't often see. I almost talked my self into staying home Saturday night, but I'm glad I forced myself out of the house, because I would have missed out on an awesome evening.

( Some details on my weekend )

u93ooq

That's how my name comes out when my fingers are on the row above the home row. :p

There are about 6 million social activities going on this weekend that I could take part in. Initially, I was planning on tagging along with the band to Steven's Point this weekend for their gigs there, but we've been unsuccessful in finding a pet-sitter. Plus, I leave for Chicago next Tuesday, and that's just a whole lot of get-up-and-go for a gal like me, so I've decided to stay home.

Oktoberfest (AKA NotSoberFest) starts this weekend, but I don't know how much I'm feelin' that. I think I'm in that phase where I'm both too old and too young to enjoy rowdy drunken debauchery. Especially without the hubby home to hold my hair back and stuff. ;)

Here's what I'm planning on making plenty of time for this weekend:

Meditation
Yoga
Journaling (hand written)
Introspection/Contemplation
Playing Guitar
Doing stuff with my hands, i.e. gardening, making some jewelry, knitting, etc.

I'm feeling compelled to nurture my relationship with myself.

The effort it takes to put on a cheerful front at work, when what I really wanted to do today was stay in bed and cry all day, is exhausting.

It's just one of those days weeks months lifetimes.

It seems to me that if more people would take the time, or be brave enough to say that they don't understand something, people would learn more, and communicate better.

I see this at work, constantly. People are afraid to say "I don't get it" or ask "Can you explain it again?". People miss basic concepts, and when you miss the basics, you miss everything after it too. You tune out, because you didn't understand something, but you were too afraid to say so.

Not understanding is nothing to be ashamed of.

On TV tonight, I was watching one of the wife-trading shows (on Fox, I think?) and the husband was trying to give the "new" wife some pointers about saving up some money and getting out of debt. She was nodding and smiling the whole time, saying things like "Yeah, I get it!" and "Yeah, that makes total sense." and "Wow thank you, I totally get it." But in her voice over after the fact, she was saying she wasn't following him at all and never had a clue what he was talking about.

He was trying to help her. He was trying to teach her something. Something that could improve her life. And she completely missed out on it. Because when he asked her "Are you following? Do you understand?" she was too embarassed to say "No, could you explain it a different way, I don't think I get it" so she smiled and nodded instead.

It's worth risking sounding stupid, in order to learn something new.

Elaboration on This Post:

Occassionally, it slips my mind that not everyone in the entire world lives in La Crosse, Wisconsin, USA, or is subject to the same kind of seasons, climate, or ordinances that we are.

(duh)

There is a valid reason for the Alternate Side Parking law.

See, where I live, it snows a lot in the winter. It could potentially snow anywhere from October to May where I live. Sometimes it snows A LOT. When it snows, a lot, it's easier for the plows to, well, plow if all of the cars are parked on the same side of the street. Hence the alternate side parking laws.

It does make sense.

What irritates the crap out of me about it is that they ticket you for being on the wrong side even if there's no snow at all, and no imminent threat of any snow. Sometimes, I forget that I'm supposed to be on the other side, or I intend to move my car later, but then forget, and I always get a ticket.

Also, it's kind of a pain in the butt to fit all the cars that usually have plenty of space parking on their own respective sides of the street onto one side. (Sometimes people get irritated that other cars are in their "usual" spot.)

Really, I shouldn't bitch, because I DO have a garage, there's just too much junk all over in there to be able to park in there, and I'm too lazy to deal with it. Plus, the doors on it are really old and heavy, and hard to open, and it would suck major ass to have to get out of my car to open the heavy, hard to open garage door in the freezing cold. (And THEN have to walk all the way from the garage to the house on a sidewalk that turns into an ice skating rink in the winter.) It's much faster and easier (and safer) to walk from the street to my front door and complain about Alternate Side Parking instead.

:)

Alternate Side Parking has begun.

In other words, from now until April 1st, it is officially "Parking Ticket Season" in joellacritterland.

I'm remembering our intentions of "dealing with the garage" "sometime this summer" so that when winter came again, one of us could actually PARK in it. Or something.

Oops!

Not the best of days, today.

This whole weekend has been a rollercoaster ride that's left me windblown and exhausted.

Everywhere I turn today, I find an argument. Some things about myself that I don't like very much have reared their ugly heads.

Every time I have a setback of any sort, I forget about all the progress I've made and success I've had, and feel like a complete failure.

My friend has reminded me about balance. I need to remember my strengths, even while I ponder my weaknesses. It is indeed quite possible that if I pay attention to both, some of my current strengths might hold the keys to improving the areas that still need some work.

What if true happiness and complete personal freedom are just mythical concepts?

If they are, I shall find my end trying to make them reality. Not just for me, but for everyone around me.

Over the weekend, I created a new daily routine/schedule for myself.

Over the summer, I have gradually decreased the time I spend doing things that either (a) I like to do or (b)I have to do. I've created this schedule to slot time for those things (like cleaning, gardening, working out, reading) instead of jumping on the computer the moment I get home from work and suddenly realizing that it's time for bed.

This means that I'll be spending less time on the internet. I doubt it will affect how much I post in my own LJ, but it may affect the amount that I'm able to comment on journals, and how much time I spend chatting on AIM. This has nothing to do with not wanting to interact on LJ or chat on AIM, and everything to do with what I really need to focus on in my life in order to feel that I'm being a productive and healthy human being.

The time that is slotted in my schedule for internet time is between 7-8AM (depending on my work schedule, which varies). I also have "free time" slotted most nights between 7:30 and 9:30PM, which can be spent watching TV, on the internet, reading, hanging out with my hubby, or hanging out with friends. I will no longer get on the internet right after work. In fact, my computer will be turned off when I leave for work, and not turned on again until dinner has been prepared, eaten, and cleaned up after.

Last night, when Ryan got home from work, instead of staring at the monitor, I was washing dishes. (Which I, like, NEVER do.) Ryan likes the new schedule. :)

**Edit**

Oh yeah, I'll still be posting, reading, and commenting from work as I am able. :)

WTF!? Capital One upped my credit limit by $2000. $2000!!! Someone please talk me out of shopping with reckless abandon. This is how I always get screwed! I make some headway on my credit card debt, and then they up my limit to encourage me to spend more, more, more!

My puppies are passed out right now. We took a longer than usual walk. There was no one at the park that we sometimes walk by, so we let them off the leashes to run for a bit. They are POOPED! Sadie's former owner just moved into a house on one of the routes we walk. When she saw us approaching, she and her kids came running out to see Sadie. They couldn't believe how big she has gotten! Sadie was a little nervous at first, but she relaxed, and was very, very good with the little kids. Anka was a gem too, but she always is!

Last night, we went to see Midian, an independant film that was shot in La Crosse by a local guy who does a lot of commercials and such in the area. It was horrible. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be awesome, but it was REALLY awful. He had a good idea and a good story, he just didn't do enough with it. I only knew what it was about because I know people who were in and worked on the movie. The movie alone leaves you wondering "what the hell was that all about??". I don't expect it will be at a theatre near you any time soon.

The presentation I've been working on for the conference I'm going to for work has got me thinking...

I'm doing a presentation about personality types based on the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). My "team" at work recently took the MBTI and then each met individually with some sort of specialist before we all met with him together as a team to discuss our results. I find this type of thing very fascinating, and very valuable for increasing and improving communication and general understanding and acceptance of one another, whether it be at work, in a relationship, in a friendship, whatever.

My presentation is about how it impacts learning styles (the conference is for Professional Educators, like moi).

But ANYWAY....(sorry, it takes me SO long to get to the point)

I got to thinking...

Wouldn't it be cool if, for a living, I could administer the test for people, and then facilitate discussions about how they impact the setting? I could go to businesses, do it for families, couples, whatever!

Do you suppose there's a market for that sort of thing? It seems like a really good way for me to further my goal of making the world a more pleasant place to be, by spreading communication, acceptance, and understanding.

Parts of this entry will be cross-posted to todaysinterest, which is adudeabides's cool new community.

You should go check it out, and then check out MY new community, my_affirmations. (I promise I'll shut up about it. Soon. As soon as you mention it in your journal, I'll shut up about it.) :P

One thing I've learned in my relatively short (so far) life is that sometimes, when something gets taken away from you, something else gets given back.

As a recap, for anyone who may have missed it, any prospect of a romantic relationship with my friend Lance has been wiped away. We are now and will always be friends. Good friends, I hope, but just friends.

Anyway, yesterday, I got an invitation from an old friend for dinner last night. Kellie is just about the only friend of mine from High School who I'm still in contact with. For a while last year, we were taking a Pilates class together and going out to eat every now and again, but then as her wedding got closer, she got busy, and we lost touch again.

Now that things have settled down, we agreed that we should get back to having dinner occassionally, and getting together with our husbands too, since they get along well. Well, the food was kind of bleh, but Kellie and I picked right up where we left off, like we always do. We're going to start going to a Yoga class on Tuesday nights after work, and make it a point to get together for dinner at least once a month.

Yay for the sisterhood! Wheeeee!

When I got home from dinner, I checked my e-mail to find I had received one from Paul! Paul was my first real love, my first real relationship, my first just about everything. We broke up because we grew up, and our relationship was not really an adult one, but we've remained friendly over the years. He moved to Arizona a few years ago, and we keep in touch via the rare e-mail exchange. I hadn't heard from him in a long while, so it was nice that he sent a message to see how I've been and catch me up on his life. It sounds like things are going well for him, and that makes me very happy. He went through some rough stuff after we broke up, and I'm glad that things are looking up for him.

Its nice that in the face of some pain, some good stuff has been dropped in my lap at roughly the same time. I'm all about balance. I love it, and I deserve it.

Ooh! Oooh!

Todays Affirmation: I AM DESERVING.

1. When I pass from this life, I absolutely, postively, 100 % certainly, without question, DO NOT want a Christian Funeral in any way, shape, or form.

(Note #1: No offense toward Christians is intended. I'm sure that those services are very comforting for you. I personally find them terribly impersonal, and they leave me with no sense of closure whatsoever.)

(Note #2: Ryan has assured me that if he's still around when I pass, any memorial for me will be held in a butterfly garden, with all the people I love remembering me among flowers and butterflies. Wine, doobies, and clothing optional. I think that sounds LOVELY.)

2. Not only does my sister not need to wear make up (she's fricking GORGEOUS), but she doesn't need to touch it up 3 times. In one car ride. That only takes 2 hours.

3. I am related to some really fucked up, wacked out, should probably be medicated or institutionalized people. My sister and I agree that when WE are the "most normal" among our cousins, the "fun" in "dysfunctional", is no longer that much fun at all.

One of my purposes in life is to make a difference in the world around me. I want to positively affect as many people as I possibly can in this lifetime. I want to make the world a better place, and I want the people in it to have the best lives possible, with plenty of opportunity and hope.

I’m not one for material things. I don’t have lots of fancy electronics, or a fancy car, or a big fancy house, or fancy clothes, or fancy anything, really. Still, I have a lot, compared to a lot of people. I’ve had many opportunities in my life, opportunities to learn and grow. I’ve been lucky to have never had to worry about whether I might get to eat tonight, or whether I could afford to go to the doctor if I got sick.

When I was a child, my chores were things like vacuuming the carpets, and washing the dishes with water that came out of the faucet already heated. They weren’t things like sweeping the dirt or cement floor, or carrying water to my house from a river or well.

So I know that there are all these children in the world, living in deplorable conditions, poverty stricken, hungry, sick, and unable to attend school, and it breaks my heart. But I'm just one person. Not even a wealthy person. So there's not much I can do, right? WRONG.



Yeah…I’m going somewhere with this….stay tuned for my next post. ;)

Dude, this week is FLYING. This would normally be dandy, but I just want a moment to myself to BREATHE. Not going to get it. Tonight I'm babysitting my brother, which will be fun, as long as he doesn't want to play video games or watch sports the whole time. How is that more fun than hanging out with MEEEEEEE? (Oh yeah, because he's 8 years old. And a boy. And a jock.)

I'm very excited about camping this weekend. We haven't gone AT ALL yet this summer, so I'm glad we're finally getting the chance. I'm NOT excited about spending tomorrow night getting ready for it. We both work on Friday, so we have to get the cars all packed up and everything tomorrow night so Friday when Ry gets home we can leave right away. Some friends we haven't seen in a while will be joining us, and a friend from out of town might be coming with his new girlfriend too. This will be our first time taking the dogs camping. I hope they behave!

Unfortunately, due to the system upgrade at work next week, I have to come in to work on Monday for the conversion. That means we'll have to come home on Sunday, but oh well, such is life. Kinda sucks losing out on a long holiday weekend, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I haven't had any time to start the entries that I want to work on (and I actually can't even remember what I meant by one of them, that's a bad sign). I also owe lipstcknbullets some answers to some poly related questions, and haven't had time for that either. (So why am I writing this pointless post instead of working on one of those?? Good question!)

I've got some rather complex poly-related issues going on right now that I'm not sure I'll post in depth about, but what I'll say is that the complexities are totally worth it to me, for the love I experience through the struggles is very beautiful and fulfilling, and I can't (and don't want to) imagine my life without each of my romantic-ish relationships. Jealousy is a very interesting beast that I'm dealing with right now. I don't like feeling jealous, and I don't like people I love feeling jealous, but it does come with the territory. So far, everyone, myself included, seems to dealing with the emotion in mostly healthy and positive ways.

With conflict, both internal and external, there is a lot of room for growth, so I need to keep that in mind and not lose the lessons that are presenting themselves to me on a daily basis.

Well, its official. I'm no longer 25. :( I really liked being 25, the year was filled with more love and personal growth than any other in my adulthood. I have a feeling 26 will be just fine though.

Thanks to all my LJ Friends for the Happy Birthday Wishes, I feel so loved in LJ land! Oh, and endersgame3 that card WAS perfect! Thanks! :D

Long story, but I didn't end up getting my birthday tattoo. :( I'm bummed, but believe that everything happens for a reason, and am willing to wait until the artist I know, love, and trust is able to do it. My birthday was very lovely. I was woke up to Emily calling to wish me a happy birthday, and then the flood of "Happy Birthday" calls began. (Including 2 Happy Birthday calls from Lance and 3 from Emily, even though both of them were coming to the house later!)

Some friends came over in the evening to grill out and such. It was very relaxed and mellow, but just what I needed. I think this is the first birthday in 8 years that I didn't get completely obliterated, also a good feeling.

From Ryan, I received a Guitar Book of Jack Johsnon songs (I <3 Him) and a cute card (and some out of this world birthday nookie, of course). The critters gave me a gift card to Best Buy, which was used today toward a new printer. :) Emily gave me a garden pillar, garden candles, and garden incense (her presents are THE BEST!) and though it was totally unnecessary and unexpected, Lance brought me a little August Birthday Angel (cute!) and a card with a hunky man on it. His personal message in the card was quite swoon worthy.

Today we're going to my mom's for dinner and cake. I like birthdays that last a few days.

Ryan was a mad man with the camera last night, so lots of Birthday Girl pics under the cut!

( Lotsa Pictures )

So many things to post on, so few slack off moments at work.

First, some exciting news! I have an appointment on Saturday at 2:00 for my Birthday tattoo. I will be adding another butterfly to my growing collection, this one on the front part of my left shoulder, to balance out the one on the front of my right shoulder. There will be pictures.

On lifestyle changes: Its becoming clearer and clearer that now is the time to make some changes. I did something I hate yesterday. Math. I figured out a guesstimate of how much we spend in an average month on mind-altering substances (including alcohol). My possibly quite conservative guess is $300-$400.

( *pauses for you to pick your jaw up off the floor* )

Upon reading an entry by divinerose about the characteristics of "unrecovered adult children", one characteristic hit particularily close to home, and is something I've been pondering on a great deal lately.

I constantly seek approval and affirmation from others; I don't know how to give it to myself.

A particular conversation last evening had me REALLY thinking about this. I require a lot of reassurance from people that I care about. I'm rather spoiled in this regard. Most of the people in my life who I love: Ryan, my mom, my sister, my closest friends, Lance, etc. give me constant positive (and negative when necessary) feedback. They freely share their praises of me, and constructively share their criticisms.

Because I get this feedback so often from my core of loved ones, I haven't HAD to learn how to give it to myself. I depend on others to let me know my worth. I feel at a loss when someone sits silent, or refuses to give specific feedback, positive or negative. I automatically assume that people who don't give this approval (or disapproval) must be indifferent, or not care, or have negative feelings about me that they don't want to share for fear of hurting me.

One of the themes in my life lately has been openness. People have remarked about how "open" I am. I've always been this way. I wear my heart on my sleeve. There's never any question what mood I am in, since my moods are so polar. When I'm happy, I'm REALLY happy. When I'm sad, I'm REALLY sad. When I'm angry, I'm REALLY angry. I share these moods, and the thoughts or circumstances that have contributed to them, quite freely.

I've been thinking that some of the barriers I've been sensing with certain people have been because those people LACK openness. I'm starting to think that perhaps that's not the case. Perhaps its that they, themselves, don't have the same need for constant reassurance that I do, and so they don't understand or care to cater to MY need for it.

I don't WANT to be needy. I don't WANT to have to seek approval (especially from men) in order to have a sense of my worth as a person. I want to be able to trust my own opinion of myself, and recognize my strengths and weaknesses without always having them pointed out by others who's opinions I respect.

Now....how to accomplish this??

Edit: While not an excuse, I realize that a great contributor to my need for said re-assurance, especially from men, is my relationship (if you could call it that) with my father, and the sense of abandonment from him. How to overcome?