Reading a rather heated comment thread in a friend's journal, I got myself wondering....

There are "things" that should be disclosed to potential romantic partners, yes? I'm guessing that for some of those things, there is disagreement on *when* those things should be disclosed. There are other things that most of us can probably generally agree when they should be disclosed. (Example: STD Status should be disclosed prior to a sexual encounter, yes?)

To the person whose LJ this came from, I'm not picking on you, this just got my wheels a-turnin'.


My question to you, LJ friends, is what information do you believe should be disclosed prior to a first date?


Also, if there are items that would be a deal-breaker, for even just a first date, whose responsibility is it to determine whether or not those items are a factor for the potential date? For example, if I would absolutely never ever even consider a first date with a Catholic, should it be my responsibility to ask potential dates their religion? Or should all people, knowing that for some people, religion is a deal breaker, automatically disclose that to potential dates?

Ok. Go.

Argh. Trying to do this pro se divorce thing gets a little more frustrating and confusing with each step. I was under the impression that the pile of paperwork to be completed needed to be brought to the final hearing. Upon attempting to schedule said hearing, I was informed that it needs to be completed and filed prior to scheduling the hearing. Hopefully by this time next week, I'll have a final hearing scheduled, and the end of all this will be within reach.

In other divorce news, the paperwork regarding the transfer of our property from us to me has now been filed with the register of deeds, which means I am officially, legally, the sole owner of my property. What a wonderful feeling! I've spent the last week cleaning, organizing (read: throwing a bunch of shit out), and re-arranging my house, to support the feeling of the house being my own. The energy in the house has completely changed for the better, and I can't wait until the re-organization/re-arranging is complete.

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So, I officially have a boyfriend.

We didn't intend for things to move as quickly as they did. We tried, in the beginning, to take things slowly. I continued to pursue interests in other people, but found myself completely un-interested in being physically intimate with anyone else. I even denied a kiss from a very cute, very smart, very funny, very nice, very sexy guy after he spent an evening at my house with me talking, hanging out, and drinking wine. And I LOVE kissin', dudes. I didn't deny the kiss because I thought it would hurt or upset Ty, but because I just didn't feel like kissing anyone other than Ty.

So, a little over a week ago, when Ty turned to me and said "This is going to sound ridiculous, but I really want to ask you this. Will you be my girlfriend?", I didn't hesitate to say "Yes!!!".

It's been about a month since our first "date", and we've been seeing more and more of each other, and we keep finding more things in common, as far as our values, or views (religious, political, etc.), and our interests. I am constantly floored by how comfortable we feel together, and by how well we fit in with each others friends, and by how crazy about each other we are.

Last night, he was asking me if I remembered what I thought about him when we first met, about two years ago. I told him that at the time I met him, I was just beginning to explore the concept of having an open marriage, and I was crazy-crushing on Lance (who I actually met Ty through). I thought that Ty was a really nice guy, that he was cute, and funny, and had a lot in common with me. I also thought that crushing on two of Ryan's co-workers simultaneously would be a Very Bad Thing, and knew that Ty had a girlfriend, so I didn't really consider anything beyond friendship at that point. He mentioned that while yes, he did have a girlfriend, they were also in an open relationship. I think it's a good thing I didn't know that at the time. :x

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I've just had an amazing weekend.

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Now with 90% less emotional aftermath!

Well, in case you've been under a rock and managed to miss it, I traveled to Lawrence, Kansas to spend this past weekend with adudeabides. (This was my second trip to visit him; he has made one trip to visit me.)

For the curious (or nosey), entries related to my previous trip can be found Here, Here, and Here.

This time around, I was much less nervous with all the flight/airport/what if we don't have anything to talk about? omgomgomg stuff. I was very much looking forward to the weekend; he and I have both been so busy over the past few months that we hadn't been keeping in touch as regularly as in the past. I immediately felt at ease when I saw him walking toward me in the airport. He was so overwhelmed by my gloriousness that he missed his exit on the way home. Or maybe it was because he was playing with his phone? Same diff. :p

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On Tuesday, November 7th, Wisconsin will vote on whether or not to add a proposed amendment to our state's constitution.

The proposal reads as follows:

"Marriage. Shall section 13 of article XIII of the constitution be created to provide that only a marriage between one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as marriage in this state and that legal status identical or substantially similar to that of marriage for unmarried individuals shall not be valid or recognized in this state?"

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Through the course of several different discussions with several different people, and what amounts to several hours of personal contemplation, I've realized some things. Some things about myself, some things about my current relationships, and about any potential future relationships. (I use the word "relationship" to encompass anything from a close platonic friendship to a romantic sexual relationship.)

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The past few weeks has brought both a lot of introspection, as well as a lot of discussion, about my marriage and other relationships. It's starting to fall into place, how an open marriage will work for us, (Ryan and I) as a couple, as well as how it will work for us as individuals. In this post, I'll address some of the conclusions we've come to as a couple, and in another post, I'll address some realizations I've had about myself.

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(End is the only part of the word that I heard.)

The other night, Ed called me up and asked if I could come over and talk. There was a sense of urgency in his voice that made it impossible for me to say no. I arrived at his house with no idea what to expect, which made me a little nervous. I'm going to cut to the chase...( Read more... )

On a brighter note, Ed came over last night and we made our first attempt at a Vegan Cheesecake. It was tasty enough, but it definitely was NOT cheesecake-y. We haven't given up, though. We WILL succeed. Ryan and Ed got to meet last night as well, and that makes me happy. I think I may have been a bit guarded last night, but I'm still trying to work through some things in my mind, and was also carrying some stress and a head ache from work. I think we'll be hanging out again this weekend at some point, and I'll have a better handle on my thoughts and feelings by then, I hope.


There will be more on this, I'm sure.

Fortunately, my personal life is relatively drama-free and stress-free at the moment. :)

I've just had another great weekend. (What is that, four in a row now? New record, I think!)

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Life is a bit of whirlwind right now, in mostly good ways. :)

I've just come off a great weekend, we took the dogs to camp at a music festival my hubby's band was playing in, and had a BLAST. Saw lots of friends, met some new friends, and everyone one was warm, friendly, and didn't mind my hugginess. I partook (a very small amount) of a psychedelic mushroom treat, and that tends to make me quite huggy. I had a lovely time, and all of Sunday evening radiated love and beauty all around me. The dogs behaved marvelously at their first festival. They were quite popular. It's been at least a year since I've been to a festival like that, and it felt like home. I'm always in my element amongst all the hippies, and surrounded by my kind of music. Good stuff.

This week we're trying to get our house in order before we take off for the weekend to Ryan's home town. His band has a gig there, and we'll be spending the weekend with his mom's side of the family and some of his long-time friends. This weekend promises to be filled with as much fun and love as the last, though in a wildly different environment.

Ryan and I have been putting a lot of focus on our marriage and on it's continued growth. We were stagnating for a while there, and our renewed passion for our relationship is invigorating. We've been spending a little time at least a couple of nights a week in conversation about our marriage, discussing where we've been, where we are, and where we'd like to head together. We've also been revisiting discussions of polyamory and how it shapes up for us. (More on that when I have more time.)

I've also met someone local who I share a lot in common with, and who I'm in the process of getting to know a little better, but based on past experiences, I don't want to say too much about it early on. I'll just say that it's exciting and refreshing to make a good connection with someone new, and leave it at that for now.

Love and Peace to all y'all! :)



ETA: I've had some additional requests for Declarations of Coolness, which I'm looking forward to writing, but may not have the opportunity to do so until next week. Sit tight to those of you waiting on them! :)

Just as my relationship with my husband is getting back to feeling solid and balanced, relationships all around me are in turmoil. Whether it's friends, family, or co-workers, whether it's an affair, one person wanting to explore an open relationship while the other one doesn't, or a year and half worth of frustration over a negative attitude, there is a common thread. Poor (or in some cases, a complete lack of) communication. What floors me is that some of the people in these situations think that they're good at communicating their needs and concerns, when in reality, they are missing one half of the equation.

There is more to communication than just talking, and there is more to communication than just listening. There is a balance to be found, and so many people miss that. They think "I told him what I wanted, I did my part." But....did you listen to what he wanted? Did the two of you work together to try to find a solution in which you both felt comfortable and secure? "All I ever did was listen to her problems, and now I just can't take it anymore." But...did you tell her your problems? Did you help her find solutions to her problems?

The glue that holds successful relationships together is open, honest, complete communication. There is no room for ignoring problems and hoping they'll magically go away on their own. There is no reason not to share wants and desires and hope that a partner will just know them. There is no excuse for assuming that the boundaries of a relationship are agreed upon without discussion, and then getting upset when someone crosses a line that they didn't know existed.

People should talk and listen more. They should ask for clarification if they're unsure of what something said means. They should learn to express themselves in several ways, to make sure that they are being understood. Whether it's a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family bond, people need to work together to see that everyone's needs are being met.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or that I always communicate effectively. It's not about perfection. It's about awareness. It's about doing all that you can to make sure that you are heard and understood, and to make sure that you hear and understand the other person.

I think I need to develop a list of rules for effective, open, honest communication, and send a copy to the whole world.

Q: I can't get over how fantastic your relationship is. Through all of the emotional upheaval I've been through not one relationship I've had has ever come close to matching your level. It's nice to know that it does exist, that kind of intimacy. I've never believed that before. But just reading about your life gives me hope. Maybe not for me but for people in general.

Was it always like that between the two of you? People with such well-matched partnerships often say they "just knew" the other was "the one" right away. Is that true?

A: First of all, thank you. What a beautiful thing to say. It means a lot to me that the beauty and strength of my marriage shines so brightly that others can see it, even over the internet!

Truthfully, I can’t get over how fantastic my relationship is either. Every day, I ponder on the blessing of having Ryan in my life. When he came into my life, I was in a very different place than I am now. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship a few months before, was suffering from severe depression and suicidal urges, and was really a hard person to try and get into a relationship with, because I was so wrapped up in my own misery.

As to whether we "knew" right away, I didn't. He did, though. He used to scare me a little, actually, because he fell so in love with me so quickly. I was living, for the first time in my life, as a single young woman. I was enjoying dating around a bit. I whole-heartedly believed that any relationship with Ryan would be of the short-lived, one night stand variety. I thought he was cute, and funny, and really sweet, but I just wasn‘t looking to get into a relationship.

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Q: In the past have you had to deal with feelings for another that were quashed due to a relationship?

A: Hmmm…not really, actually. When I was younger, my relationships never lasted very long. Inevitably, after a few months, I would become interested in someone other than the person I was dating. Back then, I thought that having feelings for another person meant that my feeling for the person I was with couldn’t possibly be “real”. I thought that if I really loved someone, I wouldn’t become interested in anyone else.

Now, I know better. That’s why, looking back at my relationship history, now that I’m aware and accepting of the fact that it’s possible not only to be attracted to more than one person at the same time, but to love more than one person at the same time, it makes sense.

These days, it’s not necessary for me to either “quash” my feelings, or to end my relationship, since I have the freedom to pursue and develop loving, intimate relationships with people other than my husband.


Q: How many virgins? Interpret it as you wish, but I'm sure you know what I'm getting at. :p

A: 0.0 Well, um, just one, actually. The only virgin I’ve slept with (to my knowledge) is the one I lost my virginity with.

Q: Why do you choose to be poly?

A: I don’t choose to be poly. Polyamory isn’t a choice any more than homosexuality is a choice. I do, however, choose to act on my polyamorous feelings, and the reason for that is that I am, I always have been, and I always will be true to myself. I don’t deny any part of myself, or pretend to be something I’m not. To do so would be unfair not only to me, but to those around me.

Q&A, related to my recent trip to visit a dear friend.

In the recent past/present, how did/is Ryan react/ing to your weekend away- with specifics?

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You know the old saying "Curiosity killed the cat". Well I guess I'm curious. (Hope this question doesn't kill me!) I'm wondering how you and Ryan are doing after your first foray into Poly? I know you said nothing is off limits, but I fully understand if you are not ready to talk about this.

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How are *you* dealing with the current situation?

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Has everything so far been worth trying it again and to let Ryan have his go at it?

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If you have any questions for me (either additional ones on this topic, though I think I've said about all I have to say on it, at the moment, or anything pertaining to my past, present, or future) ask away by commenting to THIS POST. (You can ask them here, too, if you want, but comments to THAT entry are screened.)

My upcoming trip to visit adudeabides has sparked many a discussion about polyamory, and boundaries, between my husband and I.

In case anyone hasn't been paying attention, I consider adudeabides to be more than "just a friend". How he considers me may be quite another thing, but uh..um...

So, yeah. I have some romantic feelings toward him. I have some attraction toward him. I have a tendency to fantasize about him while I...uh...well, you get the picture, I'm sure.

Way back when, when the idea of opening our marriage was born, Ryan and I wrote up some very specific rules and boundaries. Now that Ryan knows that I'm not out to boink anyone I can get my hands on, these strict guidelines have been loosened a little bit. The main remaining "rule" is honesty, communication, respect, discussion before any major relationship developments, and, should sex happen, safe sex. (This is not to say that I expect to have sex with adudeabides this weekend. I don't.)

So, there have been lots of discussions regarding the trip, mostly a result of me trying to ascertain that he really is okay with the fact that I'm making the trip in the first place. I was expecting that the closer my departure became, the more nervous and insecure Ryan might become, but it's been just the opposite. He's just becoming more and more comfortable with it, and less and less worried about how he'll react to any sort of romantic things that may (or may not) happen.

As of tonight, he says that as long as I "don't come home knocked up or with herpes", he's cool.

That much freedom makes me a little nervous, but mostly, it makes me realize, once again, what a wonderful, understanding, open-minded, loving, generally totally awesome man I'm married to.